How denial of responsibility keeps us stuck
The World we Choose
We are here for such a precious short time only. And what we long for most is to be connected with other people and experience and give love. Yet, what we keep doing and experiencing is very different from this. And we believe that this is outside of our chioce that “this is just how the world is”. But it’s not. It’s just what fear makes it look like.
Marshall Rosenberg did not just teach about the 4 steps and the key distinctions when he was teaching Nonviolent Communication. At the beginning of his book and at the beginning of his workshops on NVC he also spoke about “denial of responsibility”. We usually don’t take responsibility for the thoughts we have about other people and the world - but they matter a lot. We don’t take responsbility for the meaning we give to what we perceive, because we do not perceive that there is a choice we are making. What’s beautiful about NVC is that it offers a way of transforming our thoughts and judgements in a way that presumes the world beyond this world we see is true and thereby allows us to glimpse it. Herein also lies the reason why NVC is not merely a “communication tool”. It can offer us glimpses of the other world, but unless we choose to give up the investment we have in the “world we see” transformation is partial and shaky. It’s beautiful and powerful to glimpse this other world and anyone who sees and experiences it even breifly would want to be in it - it is lovely and wonderful and true. But we don’t realise how invested we are in this world we see and how difficult it seems to give up the things that promise to “keep us safe” but actually do the opposite and bring us misery.
I believe only now am I beginning to grasp the full extent of what this means “to deny responsibility”. I cannot count the number of times I’ve heard people explain their feelings with a story about something that “happened to them”. Or label themselves as “co-dependent” or having a “lack of boundaries” as an explanation for why they are doing certain things. These ways of making sense of our experience are supposed to help, but they usually keep us stuck by denying the responsibility we have for how we choose to perceive the world.
We have the choice and the responsbility is ours - but then we could not blame others anymore for how we feel and that might seem like too much to bear when we are in a lot of pain.
And I don’t mean that people don’t behave in careless and cruel ways at times - they do and all of us have at some point in time.
We have a choice about whether this and all flaws we can find are what we want to look at… or at the beauty and care that are always there…
We have a choice about whether we see our wellbeing as connected and mutually interlinked… or believing that one person’s wellbeing is more important or could be viewed in isolation.
In truth it is not possible to give up this responsibility - but we can believe that the world we see is the only one that’s possible and that our interpretations are the only way of making meaning. In this way there would be nothing we could take responsibility for. But whenever we give meaning, we make a choice about which world we want to see and strengthen. This responsibility never leaves us and we are always free to take it up consciously. No pain or cruelty we have experienced can absolve us of this burden and blessing.
All of this is held. It would only be a burden, if we were truly alone. We are not alone.
If we want love and care, we need to give it. And the love is there always. All we need to do is to remove the blocks to love.
Then the choice will be our’s and everyone’s blessing and care and compassion infinite.