Obsessive relationships
Symptoms
- constantly thinking about the relationship
- all thoughts directed at analysing the past, fantasizing, making plans about improving the relationship,
- thinking about what is good and what is bad about the relationship
- all creativity is bound up with the relationship, leading to lack of movement and direction in the rest of life
- rumination about the relationship
- fears about the relationship ending or the other person not loving me anymore
- fears about not being seen and understood
- fears about not being seen with the care and commitment
- fear about being misinterpreted
- everything that doesn’t have to do with the relationship feels almost pointless
- thoughts directed at analyzing the other person and oneself
- ruminating about past traumas
- anxiety
- intense emotional reaction to “rejection”
Origins
- painful and trumatic relationship in which the person wasn’t seen
- thinking: I need to change myself for the relationship to work
- keeping relationship is seen as vital for survival
- broken trust in the past about the continuation of relationships
- pattern of losing sight of own needs and prioritizing the needs of others
- pattern of seeking fault with oneself
- pattern of taking anger/frustration of the other in the relationship personally, as a sign that I did something wrong
- early primary relationship with an anxious person, early relationship with a suddenly angry and punitive person
- pattern where my “looking somewhere else” was seen as sign that I didn’t care abou the other person (my mother)
Pattern
The other person gives messages that get interpreted as: I don’t know whether you love me truly more attention goes into thinking about the relationship all thoughts are focussed around the relationship happiness becomes defined as: when the relationship is well unhappiness becomes defined as: when the relationship is not well when the other person doesn’t give as much attention it gets easily identified as withdrawal giving attention is seen as something the other person asked for and invited sole purpose of life becomes the relationship and maintaining it
Consequences
- other person feels “stuck”
- other relationships suffer, don’t get attention
What’s needed to heal
- honesty with self
- clear observation
- space and time
- grieving
What to do to overcome
- Recognize that it’s happening
- notice negative effects it’s having on life and other relationships
- Recognize afterwards that it has happened
- Recognize when i’s happening
- Find alternative things to intentionally focus on
- do things that resource self, are fun and ejoyable
- grieve the effect it has had (many times)
- grieve for how you have benn hurt/not had what you need leading to this pattern