It's Not About the Method
For years Dominic Barter was teaching about the method for engaging conflicts in groups that he developed. He called it “Restorative Circles” and - although in a fairly small bubble - he became famous with it and his method one that even became mandatory in Brazilian youth criminal justice processes. To my surprise at the time, I heard that Dominic had stopped teaching about Restorative Circles and was even against people using this name. When I met him for a training in January of 2020 he was talking about creating systems together and that this was the important part - to find agreement amongst each other about “how we will deal with conflict”. To do this he proposed three simple questions:
- What do you like about what is happening?
- What do you not like about what is happening?
- What do you wish for?
For a number of years I was a firm believer in the idea that creating systems and agreements was what could resolve much of our troubles. I was also following Miki Kashtan’s teachings and was looking for a way to “fix things”. Now I see things in many shades of gray. It’s not that making an agreement about something is not helpful at times, but recognising that in many ways “creating agreements and systems” is also just another method we try to throw at the problem of disconnection and tensions.
And it’s not that Restorative Circles never help rebuild connection or that agreements and systems don’t have the power to make things run more smoothly - they seemingly have these results at least some of the time. The important point is: why. Why do they help rebuild connection or help things run more smoothly?
What any method offers us is some structure to engage with whatever is playing out. On the most basic level what is playing out (when things are not peaceful and joyful) is always some idea of “being on our own”, “disconnected”. Most of us only spend our time more and less aware of this fundamental belief and pain. In other words most of us do not leave this belief behind. When there is a conflict or a person’s mental health is affected, this fundamental belief is playing out - even though it takes on such different shapes and forms that it can be hard to believe sometimes that they have the same root. Healing is always a lessening of this belief and an integration of something that before was believed to be separate and irreconcilable.
I believe Dominic saw that people were “applying his method” but in a bare bones way that seemed to leave out the core component of truly tuning in. I have always loved about Restorative Circles that the emphasis is on changing how people listen - not how people speak. I believe that this is key to hearing people only ever say “please” and “thank you” which is what Marshall Rosenberg, the father of Nonviolent Communication, talked about. And I believe that in oder to get a little closer to this place it is essential to examine one’s own judgements and reactions. Restorative Circles include an extra pre-circle process for the facilitator.
Some people who are (and need to be) part of the process we try to engage in may not be as open and trusting and might use strategies with which they think they protect themselves, but usually wreak a lot of havoc and leave everyone scrambling and helpless - this is the actual point where healing and integration are needed. The discovering of the “point of disconnection” is an important part of the process and no healing can ever be achieved through exclusion - although it seemingly removes the pressure.
In this point (dealing with those who are seemingly “in opposition” or “obstructive”) whatever method we chose does not really matter. It comes down to: are there people who are able and willing to hold a stance of true openness and love for this person? Are they willing to meet the person where they are without any idea of this person being “wrong”? Are they able to seek out within themselves all the subtle ways in which they might be holding on to some judgement or any fixed outcome? There is no “set method” to do this, although there is an inner path that we can walk that increases our personal capacity to do this. I believe in every group attempting to find more harmony and cohesion at least one person is needed who is able to hold a resilient stance of nonviolence and love. Someone who is willing to seek out within themselves all the subtle ways in which they might be bringing out anything but love and acceptance. This is what can bring healing and only this. It does not mean being soft, but it means being gentle. Healing cannot come from harshness and rigidity. It means knowing one’s invulnerability and innocence on another level that is beyond anything that can be shaken and from this being able to be vulnerable and open in ways that most people find so scary they would do anything just to avoid it.
It is the same in every place and whatever we are attempting. Whether it is within ourself, in a group or an individual seeking help through counselling. The method does not matter much. What matters most is the way in which the “Healer” can meet the situation. See through the seeming mess and through their seeing and peace help everyone see their big fears and upsets as mere nightmares that vanish when they open their eyes.