Getting out of Conflict

Conflict does not need to be part of a person's experience in life. Not just because time passes, but because we can change our perspective so much that it just doesn't make sense anymore.

I have noticed that my perspective on conflict has changed slightly in recent months. I used to say to people and be convinced of it that “conflict is an inevitable part of life”. And I still believe that everyone will experience conflict in the from of strong unpleasant emotions in their relationships in their lifetime. And I believe that it is something that we need to face and come through. At the same time I no longer believe that it always has to be a potential component of a person’s experience in life. I now believe that it is possible to change one’s perception so much that conflict is no longer the experience we have or at least we move through it much quicker, because we now know that our thinking must be a bit distorted when we are portraying ourselves as somehow unjustly treated or taken advantage of in other ways. It’s not that we could not find lots of evidence why this perspective is “true”, but it’s knowing that it’s pointless to think this way because it leads us away from the connection we want.

NVC beautifully contains this perspective by bringing the focus to our needs and putting our intention on connection. Needs being not what I want from the situation, the other person or for myself, but the qualities that life needs to thrive. And not just the life in me, but also the life between us and in the other person and all around us. In this perspective the needs that express themselves in me are not separate from others or my surroundings. And with our focus on connection the idea of “being right” loses its appeal and meaning. Often our beautiful needs get distorted by fear and turn into pain. So for example instead of being in touch with our beautiful longing for connection, if we are not certain that we are actually unconditionally loved, this can turn to the worry that the person I would like connection with maybe wouldn’t want to talk to me. And depending on how wild we let our mind go and how creative it feels for horror scenarios in that moment, this can go all the way to the grief and pain of loss, disconnection, loneliness and shame.

There is a crucial point in what I said which is not just our beautiful longing for connection, but also the trust that we are loved unconditionally. Many - if not almost all people in our westernized world - do not feel they are or even can be unconditionally loved. Without this it is difficult to trust that our needs are a gift and that we will be met eventually albeit in unexpected ways.

Most commonly we try to fill this lack of love with a romantic relationship. If the love is genuine and close enough to unconditional this can be amazing for healing. But all too often it’s a bit more complicated because the other person probably also doesn’t trust they are unconditionally loved and if both people’s pain about being loved and wanted and seen gets involved, chaos is guaranteed. There is nothing bad about this as it is also part of the process of healing and building a truly robust relationship. However, many times we only double down in our defensive strategies and so what we had hoped to fill our lack of love seemingly becomes full of pain and further proof either that we are unlovable or that other people are too complicated/not worth it. But our desire for true connection and healing is strong…so usually we’ll try again.

For many and in particular if there have been events that were experienced as traumatic, it is very difficult to trust and let in that they are loved. And this is not just about the love that is there from other people, but also the trust that they are loved and wanted by life and the universe. That there is an experience of inner peace and joy that is beyond all the thoughts and concerns itself with the beauty and wonder of life.

When we inherently trust that we are loved and wanted, our needs cannot be distorted by fear. Then conflict is not stressful, but an opportunity to show and express love and to find deeper connection.

So my current question is: how can I support people to reconnect with their knowing that they are unconditionally loved - regardless of what “unavailable” parents they were brought up by or what traumatic experiences they have had. The answer is not in making sense of the past - although it is important to be able to be with the pain of the thoughts and emotions connected with the past.
The answer is not in understanding and describing the dysfunctional patterns we exhibit - although it is important to see that what we have been doing is not working and instead giving us what we do not want.
The answer is not in being hard or critical with ourselves - although we need discipline in particular for our mind.
The answer is in showing love and care - but doing this is a creative and adaptive process that requires us to be present and meet anything in ourselves that is not love with love. This way we meet ourselves with gentleness and acceptance. Our desire to meet others lovingly then becomes the leverage for meeting ourselves in this way.

This is how far I’ve got. The rest is work in progress…